So Many Projects, So Little Time (or, Rewriting Bawdy Songs In My Spare Time)

We went to Kingdom Arts and Sciences on Saturday and wow, was I impressed with all the artisan work! We went in the ice and snow, even though I hate travelling in bad weather (the roads were fine but it was pretty foggy). We listened to 18 versions of The Chandler's Wife on the way there. We have a CD that does "movie and tv versions" of this slightly bawdy song for the Fill in the Blanks. We have explained roughly what is going on in the song to the girls (adultery, and they have had the sex talk, to which they said, "EW!") They are mostly interested in the movie lines and don't get all the double entendres; if someone refers to balls in any form or fashion, even soccer balls right now, they dissolve into giggles. Well, the All Chandler's Wife CD is one CD that I don't need to listen to for a few more months!

The song goes like this:

A man walked into a Chandler's shop [a chandler is a candlemaker]
Some Candles for to buy,
and when he walked into the shop
nobody did he spy,
(drawing a blank. Can't believe it. Heard song 19 times on Sat. Yikes! No memory. Must have blocked it out; something about him getting ready to leave the shop. I guess I would be cut from Hollywood week of American Idol!)

When he heard the sound of a ___
Right above his head.
Yes, he heard the sound of a ___
Right Above his head.

Now this young man was a bold young man,
so up the stairs he sped.
And very surprised was he to find
the Chandler's wife in bed.
And with her was another young man of very considerable size.
And they were having a ___
Right before his eyes.
Yes, they were having a ___
Right before his eyes.

Now when the fun was over and done
She lifted up her head,
And very surprised was she to find
A man beside her bed.
"If you will keep my secret sir, if you will be so kind,
Then you can come up for a ___
Whenever you feel inclined!
Yes, you can come up for a ___
Whenever you feel inclined.

So all you fine young men take heed
Whenever you go to town
That if you leave your woman at home
Be sure to tie her down.
And if you would be kind to her
Just lay her out on the floor
And give her so much of that ___
She won't want any more!
Yes, give her so much of that ___
She won't want any more!

You can imagine the possibilities, filling in the blanks with lines from Star Wars, Harry Potter, Princess Bride, Sesame Street, Finding Nemo, etc.

I, however, have written the intellectual geek version of the song, in which there are no double entendres like usual. This is the song that the person who is sexually repressed or in denial that sex exists would sing:

A man walked into a Chandler's shop
Some candles for to buy,
And when he walked into the shop
Nobody did he spy,
And so he turned upon his heel,
And out the door he sped--can't be right??????(getting ready to leave the shop; again I can't remember exactly the words)
When he heard the sound of a (Trivial Pursuit game)
Right above his head;
He heard the sound of a (Serious Scrabble match)
Right above his head.

Now this young man was a bold young man, so up
the stairs he sped.
And very surprised was he to find the Chandler's wife in bed.
And with her was another young man of very considerable size,
And they were having a (very heated intellectual discussion)
Right before his eyes,
Yes, they were having an (argument over the proper use of the Scrabble dictionary)
Right before his eyes.

Now when the fun was over and done,
She lifted up her head (from the dictionary, of course)
And very surprised was she to find
A man beside her bed.
"If you will keep my secret sir, if you will be so kind,
Then you can come up for a (Lord of the Rings Monopoly game)
Whenever you feel inclined,
Yes, you can come up for a (Lord of the Rings Risk game if you prefer)
Whenever you feel inclined.

Now all you fine young men take heed,
Whenever you go to town,
That if you leave your woman at home
Be sure to tie her down (with the housework, the laundry, and the kids; you get the idea!)
And if you would be kind to her, just lay her out on the floor,
And give her so much of that (intellectual prowess of yours)
She won't want any more,
Yes, give her so much of that (Cash Cab or Final Jeopardy trivia knowledge)
She won't want any MORE!!!


I guess you just had to be there!My husband and I actually play all of these games, and watch Jeopardy and Cash Cab (he DVRs Jeopardy), although we haven't tried our LOTR Risk yet--not enough time. This CD is brought to us by Queen Anne's Lace, an acapello singing group that performs at Scarborough Faire and other venues in North Texas. I don't know who wrote the song or if it is even period (i.e. Renaissance or pre-Renaissance) Most of their songs are very lovely, and on Sunday mornings at the Faire their first show is all religious music, including the Swing version of Amazing Grace. Some music is period (Renaissance and before) and some is more contemporary; for example, they do other Swing in addition to church music, such as "Stormy Weather" (although they try not to do this when rain is in the forecast since the show is, of course, outside). Most of their songs are NOT bawdy or only mildly so, and aren't performed at the lives shows for their 5 pm Tart Show, which is mild and only PG compared to Iris and Rose's show ( which is R or worse, especially the 5 pm Train Wreck show with audience participation. Believe me, go to that show and you will hear something shocking you never heard before--a few beers helped. I went with one of R's male friends one time, Drew Timmons, and while I enjoyed the show I was red as a beet!) (R stayed home that day; sick kid).

Queen Anne's Lace does an All Chandler's Wife song show on the last Sunday of the Faire (the very last day being Memorial Day Monday). They sing many versions of the song (about 12 of them) for lots of tips. The little outdoor theatre is full and it is HILARIOUS because of course they do the voices, various gestures, etc. It is much funnier than on the CD, especially when you are hitting about version 18 or 19 and you can't remember when you heard another piece of music other than The Chandler's Wife. Especially when all the quotes are from a movie you haven't seen, because then even though the lines are funny you don't get the reference. My favorite is not on the CD and is the Harry Potter version ("Just because you're 17 doesn't mean you can whip out your wands any time you like!") And they need an All Star Trek version in my opinion ("Captain, you canna change the laws of physics!" "He's Dead, Jim" or "Set your phaser on Stun, " etc.) See, I've about half written one already. Send me other Star Trek lines that have sexual innuendo in them, please. I need to do something in my "spare time."

Signing off for now!

Pleasant Valley Mom