Godzilla Meets God at the Gucci Wally-World

Well, I feel like Mohammed; I've been to the Mountain. I've been to the Gucci Wally-World for two days in a row. The first day I spent lots of money and the second day I tried to take the store tour without spending very much (had to go back to do returns and because I forgot my sweet potatoes). After all, I know that french store Tar-jay backward and forward because I worked there for about six months(I know that's not a French spelling but my keyboard doesn't DO accents). Why not Wally-World?

This is not just ANY Wally-World. This is the Gucci Wally-World. It is located a few miles away near some very toney, lovely homes that used to be on a lake. The lake is still there but it has receded and receded, and now many of these folks have lovely meadow-front property. Nevertheless, when it was proposed to build a Wally-World in their town, some of them fought it tooth and nail. It needed to be the nicest Wally-World you ever saw in your life. It is probably the biggest tax revenue generator they have--I wish it was across the street in MY town.

And it is the biggest, nicest, brightest Wally-World you ever saw. It has two separate entrances, one for people who are just browsing like me today (the non food stuff) and one for the serious shoppers (the grocery stuff). I can tell you that you will sell three times as many Girl Scout cookies at the grocery entrance during Cookie Season. You have to sign your GS Troop up for those cookie booths at 6:30 am a month in advance on the day the booths hit the system by the way, because you can sell 200 boxes of cookies there in 2 hours. Seriously. These customers have the bucks!

This Wally-World is beige, not that obnoxious shade of Wally-World blue. Both of my vehicles are beige so I understand the need for a little beige in the Suburban existence. It keeps you from standing out too much. It's classier. Although my mini van does have a dent in it, one that has been there for almost 10 years. I could get this repaired if I wanted to spend $300 or more, but I don't. It's not just because I can ALWAYS think of a better way to spend $300. With a dent in it, my beige van stands out in the Wally-World parking lot (meaning that someone directionally challenged like me, who is always thinking about something else other than what she is really doing--call it a defense mechanism--can find her van with a cart or two full of groceries). And that dent, coupled with an UpWard Cheerleading sticker from 3 years ago that is magnetic, does indeed help me find the van. It also says: "Suburban mom, doesn't care about appearances or is broke. You guess which one!"

UpWard Cheerleading being a Christian cheerleading program for kids that is sponsored by our church, the sticker is subtle. It says to the world, Suburban mom, Christian (or at least tried to be for one season), but not too uptight about it (unlike the people with the metal fishes on their cars that are permanent--my neice had the one with feet that said "Darwin.") My husband considers himself a Christian (I think) but if he were to choose a fish I know it would be the Darwin one. So no fish for us. It's not Lent on our car. When I first moved to Dallas I actually asked the guy I was dating where everyone was getting their fishes and was it a particular car dealership that used a fish as its symbol? (I just didn't get it, needless to say.) After that, every time we saw a car with a fish on it, he would laugh and say, "Look, there's another car from the Fish Dealership!" It was kind of like our family joke today, repeating Miranda's classic line, "Why are there so many BOATS in the Marina????" We do this any time anyone in the family asks a really stupid question or makes a really lame comment.

My husband also hates bumper stickers or anything that identifies who you are, who your kids are, what your religious or political persuasions are, etc. etc.--wouldn't even let me put a flag on the car after 9-11 when it was en vogue. But UpWard Cheerleading stays because it's MAGNETIC and therefore not permanent. Presumably it could fall right off if I take a sharp corner. But Soccer Mom of Straight A Students at X Elementary who voted for McCain/Obama will not be appearing on our vehicle any time soon. Well, I'm not a soccer mom any more anyway, so that's OK by me. I keep trying to persuade him that we do need to take a stand and get the SCA sticker before Gulf War in case we break down on the road, but so far, no such luck.

I also find it vaguely amusing in that sarcastic way of mine, even though my kids enjoyed theUpward program, that the one thing on my car is this magnetic sticker advertising cheerleading. Because I am so NOT a cheerleader, and my girls don't realize it yet but they are so NOT cheerleaders too. Well, Miranda could be because she looks good in a potato sack (just cinch it up!) but maybe she will not figure this out. Or at least I hope I am raising them that way. And this was so NOT a traditional cheerleading program--they just cheer for UpWard, not any one team. They all wear the same uniform (all the flag football teams and all the cheerleaders). Girls can play flag football and boys can be cheerleaders too, although I've never seen any boys do this in Pleasant Valley (we don't have cross-dressing, gender confused children here! Not in our town!) I have heard of girls playing the flag football, but that was in a family of five kids where the rule was that they all had to do the same activity in a season to keep the mom from going bonkers. In Upward, they don't announce who wins the game or even what team is playing (they are all on the UpWard team, get it???) So, how beige can you get???? Flag football becomes non-cmpetitive, and of course, cheerleading always has been, right?

Well, back to Wally-World--this Wally-World has a park!! Seriously, they dug out an area between the two entrances to save a giant live oak, and built a little park around it. The little park even complies with the Americans With Disabilities Act and has little wheelchair ramps (although they are pretty steep), which all the little girl scouts enjoy running up and down, especially with the cookie wagons (the trolley things you are supposed to use in the gardening center). This is one reason NOT to sell cookies there--the girls will want to spend all their time running around in the park instead of asking strangers for money.

This Wally-World has beautiful, gleaming merchandise like you have never seen in a Wally-World. Rose petals for your wedding in seven different colors (got lavender and green on clearance to use for scrapbooking and card making--originally $5 each, now only $1 each). I might make some little fairy swaps or dolls out of the leftover wooden clothespins I saw in the craft bin at home, using these petals as dresses or wings or something. Who knows? The sky is the limit.

Martha Stewart scrapbooking paper--wow! And products featured on her Martha Stewart Infomercial (her noon show). Look, there's the glitter pack that was featured at Christmas! Only $15!! (did not get it; settled for $8 of scrapbook paper. Hate to clean up glitter in the house and it's the last thing we need all over our Gulf War garb; plus I don't need to make glitter birds and fruits and things for Christmas for at least 10 months now).

Need M & M's for the school party tomorrow--well, the chocolate ones are already gone and the candy is pretty picked over. I note that the candy boxes like I got last week for the Valentines are almost gone too. It pays to shop early at Wally-World! This is the most popular aisle today (seasonal) because all the school parties are this week. Oh, look--Harry Potter valentines! Should have gotten those instead of those lame holographic dogs. Maybe next year. Harry Potter is now acceptable at the Gucci Wal-Mart and in Pleasant Valley since he was more of a Christ-like figure in Book 7, sacrificing himself for his friends, etc. Now that it is clear to all the Christians out here that there is fake witchcraft based on bogus Latin spells and there is real evil, personified by Voldemort. But I digress.

OOOOOH! Look at all the cool office supplies! (yesterday I went through the business grocery end--blechh--but today I am having fun and taking the recreational tour). Yes, here's the boring computer paper I forgot yesterday, for only $3.37. But oooooo! Here's a poster of Taylor Lautner on the cover of Rolling Stone. I'm too old to get Rolling Stone any more but I'm not too old to appreciate the charms of Taylor Lautner. He sure has filled out since Shark Boy. The girls call him Shakob (a combination of Shark Boy and Jacob, his character in New Moon). Oh, my! Drool, drool! (Ok, Ok, I know he's young enough to be my son but I can still fantasize, right?) I won't get into it here although it's tempting, but don't you think you'd rather sleep with the warm, furry wolf that was your friend than the cold, bloodsucking vampire who is trying to resist killing you? Just a thought. But I get cold easily in the winter. Cute as Robert Pattinson is (the girls call him Ced-ward based on the Harry Potter Character of Cedric that he played in Goblet of Fire, known as "Giblets of Fur" in our home)--well, cute as he is, the idea of sex with someone who is--uh--that cold ALL over-- is not very appealing, at least to me. But I digress.

On the the REAL sewing aisle. The other day I got some scissors and a thread box and all sorts of little "notions" that will help me pretend that I am really a seamstress when my friend Viviana comes over to cut out fabric with me for Gulf Wars. So, nothing today, and I will skip the jewelry supplies with their gleaming beads and crystals. I started to get into that hobby but I am not into that today. Let's see--can skip automotive--got the Scotchguard for the tent there already. Looking through all the cheap towels and blankets and rugs--no, don't want to spend this much for rugs for Gulf War--I can probably borrow them instead from a friend. These are for use indoors (who would use rugs indoors anyway--aren't they for camping??) So no rugs today, and why would I want to decorate my house when I am focused on decorating my tent at Gulf Wars??? I really need to hit World Market o the next Dreaded Pay Day.

Skipping the camping equipment too--got Robert his Valentine's Day present there the other day (I can't say what it is in case he is reading, but Robert, it's not the $160 tent!) Looking through toys--still out of the $7.44 Zhu Zhu pets. Bummer. It's a good thing I made Robert go by a different Wally-World on the way home from work so we could have a gift for Sunday's birthday party. Skipping the movies--too much temptation. I want Julie and Julia and the three seasons of the old Beauty and the Beast show--and for $55 this could all be mine!! But I haven't finished all the BBC Robin Hoods yet or even made it through my Cricut video so I guess I will stay away. Maybe I will get some of it for Valentine's Day instead of flowers--hint, hint. Electronics--yuk. That's for men and women looking to meet men. Skip it. Clothing--already got the $10 boots on clearance the other day. Don't think they got in any more kids boots--we are done for the season unless we want purple, and it's not very Period. Already got the men's underwear and pjs to wear under our clothes (they don't have anything this utilitarian for me so I will just have to squeeze my bust into men's stuff to attain that medieval bust line). Brought back the stuff that didn't fit and got my sweet potatos refunded (they actually have a LOG of stuff that get's left behind! How cool! I don't think Tar-jay did that!)

Well, the fun is almost over. I already got $1.50 plastic tablecloths for Saturday's Kindom A & S event (it's for the kids' area--otherwise I would use fabric). I know they are cheaper at the dollar store but I don't want to go there today--way too much temptation at the dollar store for someone who is already buying green rose petals. And Wally-World doesn't have fabric any more, and I want some linen for a gift; I had some cheap linen but now I have decided I want that for my embroidery, so on to Hancock Fabrics to buy some expensive linen, even at 30% off.

Time to check out at Wally-World after a few food items are added to the cart. Did you notice that they have brown stained concrete floors? Looks great, nice and cheap (and hell on my feet). Did you notice the flourescent lighting and skylights to keep down the light bills (it beats keeping the lights off for 4 hours every morning like they used to do at JCP). Did you notice the fresh flowers, the sushi bar, the bakery goods that are all shiny and gleaming? Too pretty to eat. Does nayone actually buy them or are they made out of plastic like the sushi displays in the Japanese restaurants in San Francisco? How about the "to go" area for those who don't cook--soups, and salads and all sorts of lovely, overpriced but ready to eat merchandise. Pick up dinner in a second (well, not today--we have stuff at home already). Did you notice that if they aren't busy they will take your cart from you in the parking lot so you don't have to put it up yourself? Did you notice the secondary seasonal aisle across from the groceries--it was the SuperBowl one stop shop only a week ago, where I bought Rotel and Velveeta that I still haven't even used (can't stand Velveeta except when it is microwaved with Rotel to make queso, and then it's AWESOME!!)

This week "mini seasonal" as we used to call it at Tar-Jay is focused on last minute Valentines' gifts for people who want to spend less than $10. (This is actually the point in real life where I actually had to go back across the store again and get the M & M's for the party because the kid's party stuff was in the Seasonal section across the store, in order to get all the moms to walk by the scrapbooking stuff. So I walked by the scrapbooking stuff TWICE).

So, back across the store cursing silently. No matter how efficient I try to be I just don't know the store well enough to avoid backtracking. Screaming kid in the background-- sounds like Godzilla--and I am reminded that it is Wally-World after all. Should have brought my i-pod like my friend Wendy does, but then I might have missed something like that deal on green and lavender rose petals. By God, I love retail!!!!