How to Overschedule and Burn Out Your Children

OK, it is now about 1:15 am and I am FINALLY finished with the DI paperwork. I copied most of it today but the damned detailed spreadsheet wouldn't work out at 2:30 am yesterday so I finally finished that too. I really did want to make sure I had spent under $125 (the budgeted amount) on this challenge and not $175 like it was telling me. The problem was that I had 25 feet of craft wire listed incorrectly so it was showing at $35 instead of .50. Or at least that was ONE of the problems. Anyway, it doesn't actually agree with what I am giving the appraisers but it is LESS than what I am giving the appraisers (the appraiser sheet estimates too high a cost for duct tape, for example).

I could work on it all night but it would never agree. This is why I hate Quicken and I hate to balance checkbooks. I am no accountant. I had a rough idea of what I had spent (about $110 to $120) and sure enough, one report says $107 and one says $116. So I'm pretty damn close in my head, and I haven't really overspent except for the color copies of the forms today (not part of or included in the budget but would you believe, over $59!!!) I sure hope I don't get audited, as they say. Although I think I am about as accurate as I can be at this point, and I even have receipts. Of course, part of the reason that I am trying to be accurate is so that my husband can write some of it off the taxes, since I always end up spending more of my personal money than my fair share when I do these things. It's one of the reasons I got out of Scouts--the recordkeeping was so burdensome and I always ended up out of pocket.

But I have just about had it with these oversheduled children and their parents! Some months ago I told everyone to totally block out March 6th for the TOURNAMENT because I didn't know for sure when we would be performing, etc. I also asked that the kids be present for the Instant Challenge Workshop where they all need to practice IC as a team, and for the dress rehearsal last Sunday. Well, in all cases (even tomorrow) someone can't be there or couldn't be there for the whole thing. The parents never tell me this until the last minute, as if I am going to argue with them or something. It really hacks me off. Now one little girl needs to go to soccer tomorrow, even though that means that the whole group will have to try to meet up with her mom in the middle of the day so she can go home. I wonder what other surprises are in store for me tomorrow. I sure hope they all show up at 7:30 am.

Now here's the thing about Destination Imagination: although there is a tournament and a competition, it's more about process than product. It's about teamwork and learning how to work together. It's very subjective (well most of it anyway) so you can't really predict how you will do. It's the Ice Dancing of the kids' activities world. Your goal should be do to your personal best. If you can do your personal best, then it is OK if you don't get the gold medal. You may be a bit disappointed but you shouldn't be disappointed if you don't win American Idol when you are next in line behind David Cook. But here's the trick--you get out of Destination Imagination what you put into it. You have fun and you get silly but you work and work and work on stuff. One of our backdrops took over 10 kid hours, and that was with two or three kids on it at all times. Some of the stuff they make can be incredibly involved. And they have all these grandiose ideas at the beginning, many of which turn out not to come to fruition, which is a shame but it's just DI. Sometimes the ideas you have are too grand for the budget and the time you have to complete them.

The other thing about DI that a lot of people don't get is that the kids do all the work. If the parents help or do it for them, it is interference and it's a penalty at the tournament. I am supposed to facilitate and generate ideas but not give them ideas. I am supposed to get them to do research and look at books and such. I am supposed to get them to learn by participating in workshops and trying things out. This year we learned how to make paper pulp and sculpt in clay, and we also learned that our clay puppet head just would not attach well to the body and was very heavy, so we spent a lot of time on a solution that got abandoned. But here again, this was process, not product. (And I also learned that you should never make paper pulp out of newspaper in your kitchen--the ink is a MESS! Finally had to borrow my friend Viv's dye pot--thank God for the SCA, where people who live in apartments own pots that you can use to make a big mess in.) The next time I'm at a thrift shop or CCA or something, I am looking for a big dye pot myself. Or I could always just keep borrowing someone else's dye pot.

So I'm tired of the constantly overscheduled kids. They don't get the full benefit when they don't participate. Now I could be a meanie like a soccer coach and say if you don't participate for a certain number of hours, you don't get to do X. My friend Cyndy who coaches a high level team that has been to Globals makes her kids sign in and out to see who is putting in the most time. She also told me not to let one girl participate in IC (instant challenge) since she missed the workshop for a drama thing at church. But you know, I'm not that big a hard ass. For one thing, the girl that missed is one of our most experienced team members and I WANT her in IC because she knows what she is doing. Also, the dress rehearsal for the church thing supposedly came up kind of last minute, and these things happen. Finally, her mom is very supportive of DI and is being an appraiser this year, a substantial time commitment. So no, I am not booting her out of IC, in part for political reasons, and except for this one thing, her attendance has been pretty good. But I do think that from now on I may make it a policy that if you miss the IC workshop you can't do IC with the team. Because we have a really good team and we could be great, but only with time and effort and commitment, just like a sports team. We have the brains--we need the focus and the unscheduled blocks of time. And that is the hardest thing of all to come by in our overstructured and overscheduled society.

My girls participate in Destination Imagination, which I coach, and Scouts. Because we do the SCA thing and the Ren Faire thing in the spring, we aren't in sports right now. The last time we tried it, it severely limited what we could do on Saturdays with our other activities. If my girls were really talented at sports it would be one thing, but they are small for their age and don't have a lot of sports aptitude. M was really good at soccer but when the field got larger and the girls got taller, they mowed over her (even her own teammates). She was a great ball handler but they just took it away from her (even her own teammates) and then missed the goal. I mean, M could score 6 goals in a game when the field was small, but she couldn't keep up with the running. And A in particular struggled with her asthma in the spring. They play in February around here and it was really cold this year, so I was glad that we were out of it. Plus, it looks like they are going to be around 5 feet tall IF we are lucky.

We have tried gymnastics and dance but with the ADHD they are both so distracted that it just becomes extended playtime. And dance gets really expensive with two girls, about $1000 a semester around here by the time you buy all the costumes and the shoes and pay for all the lessons. So I haven't done it. I got M a guitar for Christmas and I got A the small drumset from Target and I would like to get them into music, but not until DI is over. Plus they have Scouts and scout campouts and such, and it often conflicts even with DI (they are missing the Father Daughter Girl Scout Dance this year, unfortunately, because of this conflict). The DI state tournament, which we were going to go to and watch even if we didn't place high enough to go and perform, is here locally this year. Unfortunately it conflicts with the big Girl Scout campout. So if our team makes it to the State Tournament, we will have a big brouhaha about all of that, since five of our six team members are supposed to go on the campout.

(send me a note if you know how to spell that "brou ha ha" word, OK)??

I guess I am not feeling very amused right now. I am so tired of kids missing DI because of all of these other things that they are doing. The girl down the street has soccer, hockey, student council and jump rope team. And she's 9. Another girl I know who doesn't have time for DI does gymnastics 5 days a week. Another kid I know is in three sports. The Tae Kwon Do and Karate people do it 3-4 times a week. Plus in addition to the games there are bithday parties and family things, and so forth and so on. Two of the girls missed dress rehearsal, one because of a family thing that was important (90th birthday party of grandpa), but it would have been nice if she had told me in advance so I could have rescheduled. The other missed dress rehearsal because her family decided to take an impromptu vacation and forgot totally about it. So I had to schedule ANOTHER one, because with only 4 girls to do a skit that was intended for 6, the firs dress rehearsal was a total train wreck. We have it on tape. I am trying to read the parts of the other two girls and keep time. It's a mess.

We finally ALL practiced today and all I could think of was how much better this skit would have been if we had all practiced together Sunday or even before. But we couldn't get our props, including the giant Chinese Dragon Puppet, done in time to practice much before, plus it has been way too cold in the garage and because we live out here in Texas, we don't have a basement. In fact, we didn't even paint anything this year except a few chairs because it just wasn't warm enough most of the time to paint outside or in the garage. And we had several days where we had three of the six show up for work sessions (two of them being my kids, of course).

My daughters get a little frustrated because if there is anything that needs to be done in DI they end up having to do it. But I have explained that this actually benefits them, and that if they want me to coach they need to put in the extra time too. In fact, I do have one rule: they can't take unfinished stuff to tournament. If they scale back the original idea, that's fine--but they can't take a half finished backdrop or puppet or something to tournament. They must finish their props, costumes, etc. to take them. The items don't have to be perfect and some of them don't even have to be good but they do need to be DONE. Finish what you start.

I am not sure where all this overscheduling of 9 year olds will lead. I think it will lead to total burnout, and that some of these kids will decide not to go to college or will not want to do much with extracurriculars even in high school. Others will be so specialized by the time they are 12 that they won't have anything to fall back on if whatever their specialty is doesn't work out in the long run. I remember meeting kids at Target who weren't in college and had very little future, and in one case it was a gal who was a great soccer player but dropped it for political reasons after her junior year of high school. She did complete high school but she had nothing at all to fall back on and couldn't afford to go to school, got no soccer scholarship, and for all I know she is still folding towels in Domestics like I was. The difference being that I wanted to be there and make a little Christmas money and get away from 4 year old toddlers for a few hours, and for her it was a career.

Now those of you who know me from high school know that I was overscheduled, but I did this myself (not my parents). And I learned the hard way senior year that being the News Editor of the Paper and the Literary Magazine Editor and in NHS and Key Club and Latin Club and all of these other things--and I didn't do sports--was very difficult. It led to a lot of late nights and a lot of tears sometimes as I tried to balance schoolwork with all the writing and the other more academic interests. I was on the Certamen team (college bowl for Latin geeks). I flirted with chess club and debate team (or at least with the guys--my kind of guys!!!) I studied Mythology and took the exam at the Latin convention and was third in the state, two years running (see, always an also-ran). I was fourth in the class (again, always a bridesmaid, never the bride). I thought I was really hot shit, let me tell you.

When I got to college things were different. My parents wanted me in a sorority because I went to their college and that was the thing to do at William and Mary, so I was in a sorority, Kappa Alpha Theta. Not really my thing, being around all those women with all their hormones, but there were some good experiences that came out of there and I learned a lot about "corporate" leadership skills, although unfortunately since there were no men involved it wasn't very realistic. But a sorority is generally very well run from a business perspective--a sorority is a little on campus business. They are in the business of self promotion so they are always reminding you when to wear your pin (and when not to, like when you are drunk). On Mondays we were supposed to dress up (plaid kilts and sweaters and clogs, really!) and wear our pins because that was Meeting Day. On Fridays it was Jersey Day and you wore your Kappa Alpha Theta black and gold jersey but not your pin. Because on Friday you just might go out and party or something in college. Go figure. Anyway, other than Theta and studying with my graduate student boyfriend (who took me to the library every night from after dinner until 10 pm, and I am not kidding), the only other activity I had was literary magazine, where I was a mere staffer for three years. I didn't have time to write for the college paper; I tried but it was too much like an unpaid job. I was spending the rest of my time either studying my ass off at William and Mary or having sex. Seriously. And the studying was much more prolific than the sex too. No wonder I made Phi Beta Kappa ahead of my much brighter friend Rise, and got nearly straight A's, was 12th in the class, and went on to a bright future at UVA Law School. Hopefully you can read between the lines and catch a bit of the sarcasm here because I'm not trying to brag. I really did do all these things, but it turned out that law wasn't exactly what it was cracked up to be for me, although that's a whole different essay.

The point is that I didn't burn myself out with activities in college because I learned my lesson in high school. College was harder than high school so I concentrated on my studies. It paid off. In law school, my extracurriculars (other than sex of course) were the Journal of Law and Politics (ironic since I don't really follow politics much but this journal specialized in things like election law, which I find fascinating, and had people of both political parties involved in it), and Moot Court, which I only did briefly because my partner was a lovely woman and a space cadet with a huge brain but very little common sense. She had the longest hair I've ever seen and she would have LOVED the SCA. She was very bright but she was a bigger pointy headed geek than even me, and she struggled with appellate argument although this would have been a good place for her in the legal world. I wish I knew what happened to her--I miss her. Maybe she is on FB. Anyway, between me and my partner, with whom I was probably very well-matched, we just weren't practical enough and just didn't have enough of that killer instinct, so we didn't advance beyond the first round. My boyfriend at the time went on to the final round of Moot Court--he wouldn't be partners with me though because he didn't think I was smart enough and after all, I was only a woman. I didn't realize until I got to law school how sexist life out there could be, at least in the 1980's--I had been sheltered by sorority life, I guess.

My favorite part of law school was my trial practice class, where we got to do a criminal defense case and I put panty hose over my head at closing argument. It was a lot of fun, even though I got reamed by the judge ( a REAL judge in real life) becuase of course I couldn't have gotten away with that in a real trial. But it got a laugh out of the jury and we won our case. That's me, Liz Wilson, Comedy Trial Lawyer. Not that I ever really wanted to do criminal defense work (corporate defense work being so much more on the morally high ground, you know), but I sure did enjoy that trial!!!

Well, I should really go to bed because I have a 14 hour day tomorrow with six (well, now it may be down to 5) 10 year olds and I suppose I need some sleep. And my Earl Gray Lady tea and Samoas are gone so I guess it's time to go push the dogs off my pillow and wake up my husband briefly and climb back into bed. Tomorrow is another day. In fact, since it's already Saturday, tomorrow is Sunday and by then the DI tournament will be OVER!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!

Pleasant Valley Mom, wondering if she can get away with visiting the Team Manager lounge this year and switching off with Hubby. He can visit it too if he likes.

Bad Hair Day Barbies

OK, so why am I such a fish out of water out here in Pleasant Valley? It's a nice enough place. Good schools, lots of churches. A little shopping, and even a few trees. What's wrong with that?

I think it's because I became a stay at home mom very suddenly, and didn't really mean at first to give up my career. So I spent the first six months telling anyone that I was introduced to that I was an attorney. This either intimidated or disgusted most of them, and of course I got the, "but you don't LOOK like an attorney!" exclamation that I have gotten all my life. Of course, it's hard to look like much of anything when there is baby spit up on your clothes or you haven't had a shower in two days (right, new moms?) Add to that being a twin mom of twins with some medical complications and no, I didn't look much like an attorney, did I???

I am overeducated for a mom, but so is half of Pleasant Valley, especially in my fancy neighborhood. We have former CPAs who serve as Girl Scout cookie moms. Former marketing executives run church luncheons and work on their kids' kindergarten projects (and sometimes their kids' high school projects too!) That kind of thing. But I was SOMEBODY academically. Great college, top grades. Top ten law school out of state. Phi Beta Kappa. In lots of honoraries with Greek Letters. Even as an attorney I am a pointy headed geek (this was one attorney's nickname for me). I am Detail-Oriented. I am told I am not a Big Picture Person (ever been told that at work)? I don't believe this--I just believe that because I am so Detail-Oriented and can't shut up about it, people THINK I'm not a Big Picture Person.

OK, so now here I am in Pleasant Valley, an attorney (I refuse to say "former attorney" because I AM still an attorney, just a non-practicing one). Guess what I did yesterday? I played with Bad Hair Day Barbies.

It is Consignment Sale time, and now I am regretting all the things that I dumped on charity for free in December. The truth is I am at heart a Scot and that mean's I'm cheap. I like giving to charity as long as it's something I can't wring any cash from. Well, in December I was desperate to move one of my daughters to her own room (so that at age 10 they could both learn to maintain rooms, put away clothes, etc. and I wouldn't have to do it all the time). So I got rid of LOTS of stuff in her room and in my husband's warehouse....excuse me, office. Stuff I should have held on to for Consignment.

We have a huge Consignment Sale here in Pleasant Valley called Divine Consign (yes, they had a competition for the name and some marketing executive mom probably won). I have made a lot of money from this sale in the past but it's a real pain in the tail to consign in. You have to type up tags that are run on a particular kind of cardstock, describing your lovely used items. Everything in like new, pristine condition. No stains, tears or rips, or you will get THREE STRIKES and be out of the consignment world forever. Working batteries in all your toys. You get the idea. It is a great sale to shop and it is great to get those checks, but getting ready for it is very labor intensive. The worst part is the part you have to do anyway if you have kids--clean out all the closets and find all the kid crap you can live without. And then tag it and secretly spirit it out of the house before the kids find out. I always tell them it's in the attic. And sometimes it really is, and I just THINK I sold it the last time.

Yes, that stupid Lego table that is impossible to lift is in fact STILL up there in the attic, and I guess I am going to have to bite the bullet and strain my back or break my ankle or something to take it to consignment and get rid of it. Maybe Once Upon a Child would take it? Then I could get my husband to take it! That's where I got it from. I got it years ago when I thought I was going to get my girls lots of Unisex toys so they could learn to use legos and become engineers and meet lots of guys (the best way to meet guys is to become an engineer or a computer geek. If you become a lawyer you also meet guys, but a higher percentage of them are jerks. And it requires more education to become a lawyer, so you meet even more jerks that way.)

Well, the legos didn't work out and so I turned the top upside down and for years they used it for Barbies. Now they have American Girl dolls and Zhu Zhu pets and, because they are in the 4th Grade, not any real time to actually play with anything, so the girls told me I could sell the Barbies. Even the Barbie house!!!

Getting the Barbie House and convincing my husband to buy it years ago was a major ordeal (original price was $120, got it for $80, this is the type of trivia my mind is cluttered with). He had to go and get it after work and he got the last one with a coupon. I got a second one from a friend a few years ago and for a while we had dueling Barbie homes( if you put them together then in the middle you had a Renaissance courtyard kind of thing going on), But they were huge, so we sold one of them at consignment the last time.

I am trying to decide if in this economy I dare put $50 on the Barbie House, because I only get 2/3 at Consignment. But it might still sell even though it is not Christmas. Some idiot will pay $50 for a used Barbie House in great shape; I would. After all, it would save you $30 to $60 long term, right? And then you can re-sell it in Consignment if your kids don't ruin it. This is the kind of trivia my mind is cluttered with.

Anyway, I am now sorting out the Barbies and the clothes, and most of them are having a Bad Hair Day. So when I can I am brushing and fixing up the hair and rinsing it out in water when it is straight, and I have about ten naked Barbie dolls on the drying rack in the downstairs bathroom. It looks like a Barbie Spa. Then, of course, because there are about a million of the little devils and about two million evening dresses (our Barbies were very fashionable), I can't finish in one day. So now the girls have seen them sitting out on a table, and now they are changing their minds about selling them. Plus I still have to buy big ziplocks to put them in, etc. etc. and iron some of the clothes and fix them up so that they look like new and I can charge more money for them. I would like to get them looking good enough that I could put $8 to $9 each on them without people laughing at me. Most of them cost $17 to $25 NIB (New in Box) and I want some of my money back.

So, Bad Hair Day Barbies. This is what my life is coming to. And I can tell you, Mattel makes really cheap hair. Some of these gals have barely been played with and spent most of their lives on plastic Barbie couches looking ornamental, and they still have the frizzies. My own Barbies from 30 to 40 years ago (some were antiques) look a whole lot better and they were played with a lot more.

My girls never really got into Barbies, other than acquiring them. But the LOVE the American Girl Dolls, which I am afraid is my secret (and not so secret) obsession too. I have had to quit my ebay addiction again. My mom sent me some money for my birthday for clothes and I did spend it on clothes--discontinued clothes for American Girl dolls! I am truly obsessed, and I really shouldn't be spending my money on such things, so I have had to quit for a while. But not before I got both Kaya's Jingle Dress and the Pow Wow Dress for Today. Ok, what's a bored lawyer to do? I used to collect Fostoria American glassware (want to buy some???) Now I collect doll clothes. For my kids to play with. How sick is that?????

So, back to my adventures with Bad Hair Day Barbies and Consignment Mania. See you soon! Let me know if anyone is out there reading or if I am just being self-indulgent as usual.

Pleasant Valley Mom