"Avatar" Leaves Me Feeling Blue, Or Why I Should Stop Buying Movies

I finally saw the big blockbuster film "Avatar" this weekend. OK, I know I'm a little behind the times here. I didn't see it in the theatre or read the reviews, although I hear that it is the top selling movie ticket of all time (even ahead of Star Wars and Jaws). It looked pretty and I figured it will probably win some Academy Awards, so I bought it. I always like to have seen at least one of the films that is nominated!!!

We don't always get around to seeing movies in the theatre unless they are movies that we can take the kids to see. Seeing a PG-13 or above movie on a Friday night involves paying $10 an hour for a babysitter or sending the kids to a Friday Night Live program and some careful planning (to make sure that you can actually see the movie and get back for the 10 pm pickup time). Not to mention the cost of the tickets, about $10 each, and the refreshments. It's not quite as bad as in the Jack in the Box commercial where the refreshments are $22, but it's almost that bad. And then you have to listen to all the noise from the other patrons, and watch them not put their cell phones away, etc. And unfortunately, when I sit down in the evening in a dark theatre, there is at least a 50% chance that I am going to fall asleep anyway, so I'm not sure it's worth the investment. I think I'd rather go out to eat or do something else.

In fact, I did fall asleep during our last movie date, which was Sherlock Holmes. Robert kept having to nudge me because I was snoring. I bought this movie later because I was sure I had missed a really great movie that I would want to see again and again. Big mistake--should have rented it. Although I think in some ways Sherlock was better than Avatar--at least it was different, although I could have lived without all the high tech flashing back through particular scenes.

I did talk my husband into going to New Moon with me on a Friday morning (he was off that day). Movie going is often just not a priority, espcially now that the DVD lag time is only a few months. He also was just about the only guy in the theatre for New Moon --most of it was filled with 30 to 50 year old moms who had come to drool over Taylor Launter and Rob Pattison. Kind of sad, really. At least I had a date! Now I liked this movie, because it followed the book fairly closely. Sometimes the dialog is insipid, but it certainly sounds real--just like the sort of things teens would say to each other. And I didn't fall asleep (a bonus of seeing a movie in the morning).

Although I must say, Avatar did keep me awake. I expect it was all the shooting in the second half. But that doesn't mean that I thought it was a really good movie. In fact, my husband and I were doing the "sledgehammer pantomime" behind the kids the whole time. As in, do we really need to bring out the sledgehammer again on this movie? (We felt the same way about the movie Crash, by the way. OK, folks, we get the message--can you please put the sledgehammer away and have some intelligent dialog or something?)

Yes, I let my kids watch Avatar, although I won't take usually them to PG-13 stuff in the theatre (except Harry Potter). The language was bad, but bad language doesn't bother me much in movies as long as it's not so thick that it totally distracts from the dialog (as it did in Crash, by the way). I guess it's because I've read Chaucer--very little fazes me. I just told the kids that I thought the bad language was inappropriate for them to use and that I'd better not hear them using it, but I guess they had to do something to turn this into a PG-13 movie. The violence was not particularly bloody and there was virtually no sex, so you have to do something to get the teenagers to attend. I may have to make another exception for Robin Hood soon, and let them see it in the theatre, although I have managed to get out of taking Amelia to see Clash of the Titans (she likes a lot of fighting in her movies).

The kids loved Avatar. In fact, I watched it TWICE with them this weekend. And the plot was about on their level. The film was definitely pretty, and the special effects were awesome. So I liked that part of the film. But the plot was basically this: environment (sort of a sci-fi rainforest) GOOD. Native people (blue aboriginees) GOOD. Military guys: BAD. Corporations: BAD. Scientists: GOOD but NAIVE. In fact, it's actually very similar in plot to Dances With Wolves. There was very little humor in this movie, as well.

I knew this was not going to be a great piece of fiction when the goons from the Corporation were trying to talk the narrator into taking his dead twin brother's place in their Avatar program DURING the dead brother's cremation. Like this would ever happen! And what was the point of sending the guy to the planet over a five year period, so he could spend three months learning all about the native culture, if they were going to start bulldozing the place BEFORE he had even made an attempt at relocation negotiations? In fact, if the Corporation and the Miliary really just wanted to strip mine the whole planet and kill everyone, why have Scientists and an Avatar program at ALL???? I don't know if something subtle got mislaid on the cutting room floor or what, but the character motivations just didn't make sense. Even the key item that the Corporation was interested in mining was called Unobtainium. You would think with the huge budget that this film had, they could have come up with a less obvious name. It's like they named the substance for fun and never got around to coming up with something better.

The most interesting thing (other than the florescent jungle, which was reminscient of glow in the dark miniature golf courses), was that the main character was in a wheelchair and was able to do all kinds of amazing things in the Avatar body, so I could certainly understand HIS motivation. And the hot blue chick was a substantial motivator as well. And I liked the scene at the end when she saw what he REALLY looked like without the Avatar body, and wanted to be with him anyway.

So anyway, this movie was definitely a bit of a disappointment for me. I guess my husband and I are not the target demographic any more. We have just seen too many movies. After all, if we are at the movies we usually turn to each other during the previews and say, "That's a MUST MISS!"

Seriously, I think I liked How to Train Your Dragon better, despite the inaccurate Viking Garb and the similarities to the Aragon dragon movie (oh, talk about a BAD movie, and even the costumes stunk!) At least How to Train Your Dragon was funny.
Avatar was just bad allegory. Everything in Avatar was just too black and white, except the florescent rainforest.

I like a little more complexity in my plots, thank you very much. Why not have the "Unobtainium" be a substance (with a better name) that could really help save another planet (like Earth) or another group of people? So it's a choice between helping one world and leaving another alone? Why not deal with issues of responsible harvesting and mining vs. irresponsible behavior? Why not have some good corporate or military goons or some bad natives in the mix? Why not have a native who was selling out the People? Or a group of natives that DID want a different way of life?

Real life is just so much more complex than the movies. For example, my understanding is that we are overfishing our oceans, and now we have a catastrophic oil spill that may really do some serious damage to the Gulf of Mexico and its fishing industry. But there are a lot of complicated issues involved. We want to preserve the oceans and their wildlife and we know that effects our whole ecosystem in ways we don't fully understand. But ordinary people make their living by fishing. Other people like to eat fish and it's good for you, especially compared to some other sources of protein. We are carnivores--most of us are not vegetarians and even some vegetarians like fish. There are lots of restaurants that serve mostly fish and need fish to keep operating (even in the land locked Dallas area). People need oil to run things, like their vehicles. I don't think anyone spilled the oil on purpose or that anyone was drunk this time, so obviously we need to find out why the explosion occurred and make things safer--if that's even possible. I'm sure OSHA and other agencies and groups will be investigating for a long time. But all of these issues need to be balanced. Is there a way to raise oysters and shrimp and some of the other overfished species on land? If not, what limits on fishing should be placed and what will that do to the prices for those types of fish? What should we order in restaurants and what should we stay away from, assuming dolphin isn't on the menu?

And the only thing I could really think of to do about any of it was order some oysters over the weekend while they are still available at a decent price.

Well, Professor Tolkien despised allegory, and I find it's not my favorite genre either. In fact, I'm not even sure this film's plot rises to the level of allegory.
So watch it for the pretty colors, or the great use of digital technology, but don't expect to find the solution to the world's environmental problems in Avatar.

Pleasant Valley Mom (looking forward to Robin Hood--Hope It's Not A Film With a Message)

The Barbie Hierarchy

Well, I have survived Destination Imagination Overload Saturday only to find out about 9 pm tonight that I had a nasty note from the Divine Consign people. I had marked some generic tags for DVDs, kids' clothes, etc. and they were writing me to tell me that I had better be specific on my tags or else. Although this sale is not until the weekend of February 20th, we have to enter our tags early. Once they get to 33,000 items (and they wre at 27,000 on Thursday), that is IT. You cannot enter more items or change your tags. Now I don't know about you, but when I do a garage sale I don't tag everything three weeks ahead of time so this system puts me under considerable stress. Anyway, I went through the whole damn house and pulled some videos to sell, and made my kids try on a laundry basket of summer clothes before bedtimes (like it? hate it? Next!!!) I am pleased to say that although I got to spend NO time relaxing with my kids watching Robin Hood (and Robert was upstairs doing real work for which he does not get paid any overtimes--ah, the joys of a salaried position!)......

Well, anyway, I am pleased to say that I got all my tags completed tonight, although I did decide about midnight that I'm not going to deal with the Beanie Baby issue this time, so I pulled all those tags and I will be putting those bad boys back in the closet. (I could make some joke here about not knowing the sexual orientation of my Beanie Babies for sure, even though they spend a lot of time in the closet, but I won't).

So, then I came downstairs and started putting Barbies in Bags. In fact, maybe we will have Barbie in a Bag for dinner tomorrow night. Is that like Chicken in a Bag? No, it's SuperBowl Sunday so I think I will stick to the Brisket I had planned, and the cranberry/pecan/banana bread now that I actually have all the ingredients for, assembled in the kitchen together, after 5 days of trying. I hope the Bananas in the Bag have not gone moldy or it will be banana bread minus the bananas--maybe i can feed the Bananas in a Bag to the Barbies in the Bags.

By the way, the bags are ziplock bags and I am putting the Barbies that I have fixed up in the bags for storage. The kids don't want to sell them now that I have cleaned them up and worked on them all week; in fact, Miranda wants the Barbie MiniVan to stay and Amelia wants the whole Barbie mansion, so I guess we will be back in Barbie hell soon enough. And the moms who come in the door and see the big pile of Barbies (and a few Kens) say, "Why would you want to sell them??? They are so PRETTY!!!!!" Why indeed.

Only because I am drowning in CRAP in this house and have very little money and tons of stuff sitting around that is not being used (these Barbies spent the last year in my husband's office and the attic), but OK, why indeed would I want to sell anything?

Have you ever tried to dust a house full of Barbies?

Also, it occurred to me as I put the Barabies into Bags that there is a Barbie hierarchy that corresponds roughly to life. We actually have five kinds of Female Barbies. I'm not counting the Kens (men are definitely subordinate in the Barbie world) and I'm not counting the Kellys (the little girl dolls that represent the children, or the Tommys, the little boys that are subordinate to the Kellys). And let's not count the McDonalds Madame Alexander dolls or the dolls of many lands from Target, or the teenager doll that's left over from the carnival stuff that I sold years ago. Or even the "Disney Barbies," who look like Barbies but are cheaper, and have a larger Princess head on a Barbie body. They look a little deformed in truth. All of these others are dolls but they are all second fiddle or worse next to BARBIE.

A REAL Barbie will fit into one of five categories in our household. We have Princesses (especially those from the Barbie movies) who are the glamour girls, the non-working girls at the top. They are the movie stars, of course, and they are well known to fans of Barbie World. The movies that they come from include Swan Lake Barbie, Rapunzel Barbie, Twelve Dancing Princesses, Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus, and Princess and the Pauper. There are others such as Barbie Muskateer that came out this year and that we don't have, but we already have five or six of these movies and most of the dolls (I drew the line at buying all Twelve dancing princesses but I think we still have 4 of the dolls from that film, plus possibly the prince). The Barbie movies are great to put on and watch with the girls if you want to take a nap. In fact, I'm not selling these movies, and I may keep them until I have grandchildren! The plots are truly insipid and they play extremely bad versions of classical music. It's so bad and so bowlderized that they don't even credit the original composer sometimes except to say "Based on Tchaikovsky") (OK, know I mispelled that!)

I understand that in the Barbie Muskateer movie, which I have only seen part of, they actually sword fight with a rhythmic gymnastics ribbon. Someone gave it to one of the Rapier Dons that I know as a joke. I wish I could tell you this is the worst thing you will find in a Barbie movie, but that's not true. So, the Number 1 Barbies are Princesses and the stars of these movies.

I am not sure how to rank the others but the other categories are Fairytopia Barbies or Fairy Barbies (not intended as a slur on gay people, because these Barbies really ARE Fairies!) Also we have a few Ballerina Barbies and a few Mermaid or Mermaidia Barbies. Finally there are a few Modern Barbies such as Dr. Barbie.

The Fairy Barbies are the creative spirits and the wild children. They wear cool makeup and have lots of colors in their hair, and a few even light up (one of these is called Nuclear Barbie by my husband). They all have wings. Their hair is blue or pink or sparkly. They have tatoos and body paint, and scanty clothes. In fact, gentlemen, this is truly the Barbie of your dreams, and the one who would be most likely to grant you sexual favors if she could.

Ballerina Barbies are the Madonnas of the Barbie world. I don't mean Madonna the singer. They are sweet and pretty. They are on a pedestal. They would never say mean things about anybody. And they are kind of bland and boring, and of course, mostly blonde.

Mermaid Barbies are the opposite of the Ballerina Barbies. I don't want to call them whores because, like the rest of the Barbies, they are not anatomically correct and not responsible for their actions (since humans put them into whatever poses and positions they desire). However, the Mermaids are of course the Sirens. They would be the ones enticing men to their doom. One of my SCA friends sent around a great piece about, would you rather be a whale or a mermaid,and made a great case for being a whale because whales are universally loved and have great family groups, whereas Mermaids just kill men. Point taken.

Finally, there are the Barbie Modern Girls. They don't make very many of these but they are usually made for that parent like me who wants the girls to see themselves as "Career girls" through their dolls. Don't try to use Barbies like this--it doesn't work. Who wants to wear a working girl outfit like a vet or a doctor or a lawyer would wear when you can wear a ball gown? So we have Doctor Barbie (if they have made a Lawyer Barbie I haven't seen her yet). We had a Vet Barbie and we had a Midge who was pregnant and the belly could come off (I think we have lost the belly though so she's not pregnant any more.) She came with a husband, of course, because Barbies are NEVER unwed mothers. Shame, shame!!! In fact at the time she was controversial so I'm sorry that we have lost the belly--she might be worth something on Ebay some day. I think we also lost the kid that came with her and her Kenish husband, or maybe the kid is in the box of Kellys and Tommys. Oh well, she and Ken can adopt a few of those. Unlike in the real world, there are plenty of Kellys and Tommys available for adoption.

In fact, I can't remember which blonde Barbie even is Doctor Barbie, so Doctor Barbie is out there hidden in a ball gown with all the rest. It makes a difference because Doctor Barbie's little white pants are very tight and they just won't go on the ass of every single Barbie!!! Some of these Barbies must have been eating too many donuts down there in Dad's office! I tried to fit these pants on three or four of them and I finally gave up and used ball gowns instead. Easy to put on, easy to take off. Difficult to go to the bathroom in, but then remember, since they aren't anatomically correct, the Barbies NEVER have to go to the bathroom. And there is not ONE toilet in the Barbie house!!!