Toxic Parents and the Cheerleader Mentality

Wow, I am wrung out from the Destination Imagination Regional Tournament this weekend and getting very behind on my Gulf Wars preparations! Our team was absolutely awesome! We tied for first in our Challenge and we are going to the STATE TOURNAMENT! Hooray!!!

However, at the Tournament and later I have seen and heard some things that have made me cringe. It seems that Toxic Parent Syndrome has infected even Destination Imagination. So now I hope I survive the State Tournament without the verbal equivalent of belting somebody. All I can say is I'm feeling very prickly and like I REALLY DON'T LIKE PEOPLE right now. This has nothing to do with my wonderful team or their parents, but with the OTHERS.

Destination Imagination is a wonderful program that is supposed to emphasize self-determination and learning over winning. Of course there are tournaments and competitions but it is supposed to be about the PROCESS. We have always had fun and learned a lot. The first year we competed (3rd grade) we were fifth. The next year (last year) we got very excited because we were 3rd (and got a trophy). This year we tied for first in a Technical Challenge so I was ecstatic!! Not only that, the kids did it not by making a bunch of artsy fartsy props that took forever but by ingenuity and by figuring out the challenge and working smart.

It's also obvious that the kids made the props and costumes and such. In fact, it's the absolute truth. I took a nap while they were writing the script. I told them they needed to get it to at least 8 pages if possible and then cut it down, and they didn't even have to use it at the tournament, but their assignment was to write an 8 page script one way or the other. It took several sessions but they finally did it.
You know, it wasn't exactly how I would have done it but it was pretty damn good and it was pretty funny too, in a wacky sort of way.

I took them shopping at the CCA Thrift Store, and they decided what stuff to buy. We were going to get new t shirts at Hobby Lobby to decorate but we found two in the right color and size at CCA, so they flipped them and used those. They were decorated with fabric markers and with stuff they sewed on themselves. They didn't take forever although the sewing took longer than you would think. They also were not intended to be graded as "side trip" but were "for fun" costumes.

Unfortunately, what I saw in several OTHER challenges that I viewed was Toxic Parent Syndrome. Parents being more than just proud of their kids. Parents being hyper involved. It was very obvious to me in one of the winners that the parents must have interfered in the costumes and props--they were just too perfect. I know what elementary students, including good and artistic ones, are capable of, and these kids were led down the garden path by someone. But they didn't get a penalty and I guess the kids answered the appraiser questions the right way. I don't wish the cute little kids any ill will and they were adorable, but I sure hope someone takes notice at the State Tournament that these little girls could not possibly have built some of these perfect puppets, puppet theatre, and made these costumes out of chip bags and juice boxes and trash that look like they came off the Paris runway. I'm not saying that they didn't do the work themselves, but surely someone held their hand while they were cutting, if you catch my drift. I don't even know how to make costumes like that. Maybe there's a manual.

The team I felt really bad for was the 2nd place team. They had a much more creative story line and such and they obviously made their own props. If I was their team manager I'd be really irritated by the judging, but there's nothing you can do about it. It's all subjective.

I think it's great for parents to support their kids' activities but when did promoting your child become your life's work? I wish I could write in a more humorous way about this but it's just not very funny to me right now. But I will try.

These parents make it impossible to compete and they make others' children feel bad. Little Suzi can't go to the Girl Scout dance unless she has a ball gown and her hair professionally done and a manicure and a $50 corsage (what will you have to do for PROM??) Little Jimmy has $150 sneakers for basketball. Little Bethany takes fencing, violin, plays mah jong and,oh by the way, is practicing to be a walk on professional acrobat with the circus after she finishes her medical degree.

It is Cheerleader Syndrome, or PTA Syndrome, at its worst. My kid is better than yours. My kid is smarter, prettier, and dressed better than yours. I am always here supporting my child so obviously I am a better parent than you are. I give my child everything in the world so that he or she will want for nothing, and I do it better than you because I have MORE. And if I don't have MORE I will sure do a nice imitation of it!

A good example of this is "pin trading" at the DI tournament. Now, they sell pins to raise money for the programs and I get it. But they have turned this into a "must do." The kids have a mixer where they trade pins and collect pins from other regions. This is fine but a set of the pins to trade costs $56. For me that's $112, and that's before I buy the MANDATORY STATE T shirt. Make that three shirts. And I would like some pins myself (after all, I have to endure two six hour bus rides with a bunch of kids to Lubbock in order to compete and get the school district to pay for it.) So now we are looking at over $200. Right before Gulf Wars, and did I mention I also have to pay for the very expensive 5th grade field trip which my kids wsnt me to chaperone.

OK, I can say No. I can say: I don't want the pins or the t shirt. It's more crap for my house that will end up in a box one day and I have enough of that. My kid is not going to want these pins when they are 25, or if they do it will be more crap in THEIR house. But I don't want my kids to be left out. I don't want my kids to miss out on the fun or feel like the "don't haves." They want to trade pins with the other kids--it's a good ice breaker and it's fun. And I want to have some fun too, and it's not like we're going to have time to go to the Buddy Holly museum if we are on the **** bus!!!

So I will be plopping down the over $200, plus everything else they want me to plop down even though what I really need to do is get the car fixed and take care of some other things. But I sure resent it. It's not that I don't want the kids to have the stuff but I resent being railroaded into purchasing stuff we don't really need. But I would really like to meet some people from other regions and trade some pins myself if we are going all that way, so I guess all three of us will do it.

In fact, Amelia said it best: "Why can't we just go to the mixer and mix?" She had a cute outfit all picked out and I was told "we wear the regional t shirt." I told her to wear her cute outfit and take her t shirt and if she didn't want to wear it I would be happy to hold it for her. I don't care what she wears but I want her to be happy. Although if I buy her 16 regional pins at $56, I sure don't want half of them back.

I expect that toxic parent syndrome is partially responsible for these kids' sense of entitlement rather than their sense of independence. Mom and Dad will always do everything for me so all I have to do is perform well at my activities. And they will buy me what I need to do that and to really shine and stand out in front of everyone.

DI is supposed to be fun, but now I am being told that my team needs to remake a bunch of stuff for the Tournament. Now I want them to perform well but I don't want them so "winning focused" that they forget the spirit of DI or that they don't have a good time. I want them to have a blast, not be so stressed out at age 11 that they burn out later in life (like me). If there is too much pressure put on them, they will get nervous and choke and that's not what got them to State in the first place. It was having a great performance where they were having fun.

I know the wages of too much pressure and I don't want my kids under it. They are awesome, talented and beautiful (in fact I'm sure they are better in every way than your kids even though yours are probably taller), but I want them to stay that way. I want them to be a success in life. That means being able to take care of themselves and have a career or job that they love (most of the time, anyway). I don't know that I have achieved that but I know what it's like to be an overachiever, and sooner or later you just aren't number one (or two, or three, or ten) and it is hard to accept.

You know, most of us are "also rans." Most of us are not number one. Yet our culture and our society treats us as if we are failures if we are not. The fact is that there are many highly successful and effective and respected people out there who will never be rich or famous but who are good at what they do and are loved by their families and friends. And isn't that a lot better than not being able to sleep and overdosing on drugs like Michael Jackson? How about the people who weren't as talented as he was who turned to drugs and such because they were disappointed that they couldn't be great recording stars?

I see this on American Idol all the time. Pretty but not too bright teenager comes on to sing. Has personality, has flair, dressed nicely, good skin and hair, but sings like a mud brick. Wow, even with asthma and being thirty five years older, I can sing better than that, although I don't usually sing in public. Plus, what was she thinking singing "At Last" anyway???? Or "Over the Rainbow?" Why not just go all out and sing "Oh Holy Night" or the "Halleluia Chorus"?

Anyway, cute teen gets told no, and is totally devastated and hysterical: "But this is all I HAVE! This is all I want to do with my life!" Her mom is also devastated (five people waiting by the door)--because Mom thinks her child prodigy is the next Celine Dion. Well, maybe she can get a job cleaning Celine's house.

Face it, that's pretty sad if your main game plan in life is "become a big recording star" (or athlete) and strike it rich." That's like the "maybe I'll win the lottery" retirement plan (Oh, wait, that IS my retirement plan!)

People on that show "want it so bad" that they choke under the pressure, time and time again. A lot of people got sent home this year who can really sing, but they can't handle the pressure and they can't pull their best performance out of a hat when the going gets tough. And THAT's what you have to do. Don't get nervous, don't get down on yourself, don't focus on what you want--focus on what you DO, and Rock the house. When you don't do that, you don't do your best, and you get sent home. And you may get sent home anyway because there's someone out there who sings better than you do. But if you do your best performance that is all you can do and you shouldn't be disappointed.

Tell that to the guy who finishes fourth at the Olympics! Yeah, losing still sucks. So I tell myself I am not a loser: "I tied for third on the Mythology exam at the State Latin Convention! Whoo Hoo!" (I really did. I've got one hell of a brain, you know).

You should strive for your personal best at all times, and let the chips fall. Then you will never be a failure even if you are fifth, or tenth, or twenty seventh. It's if you don't finish strong(because you choke so badly you must pull out of the competition) that you are a true loser.

But this doesn't apply to downhill skiing.

Face it, there are just some contests in life where you are either first or you wipe out and your car blows up or you end up in the footage for Wide World of Sports (remember the ski guy???) But let's not enter our 11 year olds in them.